Grief Articles

Miscarriage—Getting The Support You Need
By Ellen M. DuBois

To the woman who has miscarried, the world may seem a very dreary place, one in which she feels no one understands her pain, grief, sadness. The baby she lost was as real as her tears, yet because there was never a baby seen, her loss often is quickly dismissed or not validated for what it is: a loss like any other.

The woman who has miscarried is just like me. I miscarried in 1991, and my days were spent weeping for months on end over my empty womb and arms. There were no internet support groups, no books that spoke to my pain. While people were concerned, their focus was more on me than on the baby lost.

"The fetus is no longer viable." Those were the words I heard one terrible day in May. I was four-and-a-half months pregnant and noticed some spotting. My sister accompanied me to the hospital, and in a very tiny room, lit only by the image of my dead baby on the ultrasound screen, the doctor told me my baby had “expired.”

When my baby died, all the hopes, wishes and dreams I had for my child died, too. It felt like the rug was ripped from under my feet and I had no solid ground to stand upon. No matter where I looked for support, I found none, other than from well meaning family and friends. Still, I felt alone. Where was the person, book or group that could tell me I wasn't nuts for grieving over a baby nobody ever knew? Why couldn't somebody tell me I had every right to mourn the loss of the baby I never held?

That's what prompted me, ten years after my miscarriage, to write a small e-book called I Never Held You. Women from around the world downloaded the booklet that described the stages I went through after my miscarriage—from grief and self-blame to letting go and moving on. Five years later, I teamed up with Dr. Linda Backman who had lived the experience some thirty years ago. She helped me to expand my book into paperback and included sound advice on grief and more. My mission has become one of reaching women who've suffered a miscarriage and feel like I once did: alone, isolated, and full of tears.

Validating a woman's grief after miscarriage won't take away her pain, but it will make her feel less crazy and far more understood. Through connection comes awareness. Through awareness comes a stronger voice. Through a stronger voice come the masses saying: Miscarriage is a very real loss and needs to be treated as such. We, the women who have miscarried need your help, support, understanding and validation of our pain.

It's happening. Books are available and the Internet has opened countless doors to support once invisible. The over one million women in the U.S. alone who suffer a miscarriage are finally being heard, as are those worldwide. I am honored to be a part of bringing about the realization that miscarriage is a monumental loss, but there is help, hope and most importantly, healing after miscarriage. You are not alone, I promise.

About the Author: Ellen M DuBois is the author of Jackie's Heart, and I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery that gently guides a women who has miscarried through the processes of grief and the emotional roller coaster ride that follows. Psychologist and grief counselor Dr. Linda Backman, wrote the foreword. Ellen DuBois is also a contributing author in: More God Allows U-Turns; Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders; Sisters by Blue Mountain Arts, Soul Matters for Teens, and Romancing the Soul.

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